"Black Widow Spiders Web-It Ain't What You Think"

There comes a time in every single woman’s life when she feels like a complete and utter failure to attract members of the opposite sex. Or the other scenario, has lost interest in having sex. (God forbid.) This is followed by a lack of grooming rituals such as giving up shaving her legs and the ever popular brazilian bikini wax.  She says to herself “FU#%$^ IT, men don’t deserve my time and energy anymore, I’ve had it”.  So the little landing strip between her legs now slowly grows and grows, into a chia pet with an afro that grows into a black widow spiders web. From the spider web grows a medium length, unidentified, hanging string, of unbraided Barbie doll pubic hair.  Which leads me to the following story:

A co-worker of mine stopped shaving her private area during her pregnancy and after giving birth to her first child.  One morning she stepped out of the shower while her husband was shaving in the mirror.  He happened to turn around and look at her, jumped back, screamed, dropped his razor, and pointed to her crotch yelling, ”What the hell is that?”  “That my dear is what my “Kooka” looks like without a Brazilian bikini wax.”  “Where do you go to have it done?”  he yelled frantically.  “Starlight Salon & Day spa.”  “What’s their phone number?”  “Its in my cell phone under the letter “S”.” He runs naked out of the bathroom.  She hears him say, “Hello is this the starlight spa?”  “Ok good” “I have an emergency!  I need an appointment for my wife to have a, honey what’s it called again?, he yells. “A BRAZILIAN BIKINI WAX!”  “Yeah a brazilian bikini wax. What exactly is that by the way?  Wow, that sounds painful, expensive too!!  She does all that for me?  I had no idea!  Yeah Tuesday @ 3:45pm is great.  Book it under the name Harrison.  You have services like that for men too?  What’s that called?  “The Crown Jewels special.” the spa receptionist replied.   No that’s ok, I’m sticking with Santa, let it grow, let it grow, gotta go!!!!

"Woman's Dilemma: Lose The Belly=Lose The Boobs"

Ever wonder how Victoria’s Secret supermodels are skinny as a toothpick, have tight flat as a board stomachs, but have big breasts?.  Hello implants!!!!  I personally, am 5ft 2in and went from a size 4 to a size 10 within the last year.  I now have an unwanted “Kanga Pouch” (my belly) but my natural boobs (no implants for me thank you) are now boob-alicious.  Quite a wonderful handful now I must say, but when I bend over I get quite upset.  I did not ask for the “Pooch, Pouch, whatever the hell you want to call it.”  So my dilemma is do I lose the weight I gained to get rid of my “Pouch”, or keep it on to maintain my lovely moonbeams?  I’ll let the gentlemen decide......Hash it out boys……

"Chillin' Wid Pimp Daddy Ole Sain' Nick - HOLLA!!!!"

Well its Christmas Eve and the bookstore is booming. College kids are home doing last minute shopping, the phones are ringing off the hook, theres a huge line at both the upstairs and downstairs registers, and the charity for the ASPCA’s dogs is in christmas attire with reindeer alters on that jingle, wishing he could bite his owner in the ass and get the hell out of there. The requests and types of customers are vast and endless.  A man in cowboy boots is asking for a “biography” on “The Hells Angels” which wound up being in the “true crime” section.  A college age guy is wearing a black and white t-shirt with a slogan on the back saying:  “Whats the best pick-up line ever? Text 542542 now!”  A middle aged woman behind him is furious that we didn’t have the “Animal House” and “Fast Times At Ridgemont High” DVD’s in stock. Two adults in goth attire are in the metaphysical, tarot card section. When in walk two white college age guys asking me for “The Wu Tang Clan” auto biography.  So I find

the book in Pop/Rock books,  and I ask the guys if Wu Tang Clan are like hip hop/rappers and the guys  say “Hells Yea!!! fa’shizzle ”  I said I think I’ve heard one of their songs but I

cant remember which one, what do they sound like?  So he starts to sing one called “Duck Season” and the lyrics went like this:

“What up, he made a move, try to assist it

Listen kid yo, you was born to be a pawn but I'm a bishop

Back to the novel, you Son, it's logical

How you figure God, what, flow on the track, flip the obstacle

Now my proposal, it's the global

From California to courts, it's over God, so taste the tofu

Remember baggy jeans, the Timberlands in November

Shorty called me Santa in December

But guess what, my Wally's got messed up....”

So I try to act all fly for a white girl with some flavor and I say “Yo homes that was dope, totally pimposterous, poppin’ fresh, damn your toy soldier’s got mojo!”, I said to the non-rapping white guy. “DOUBLE.......SWEET!!!!!!!!!  We all laugh hysterically, and I ask them where they go to school whereupon they told me the University of Vermont.  I said “ohhh.. must be a lot of snow bunnies up there”. “Hells yeah thats why we wanted to go there.”  “You don’t even have to ask Hugh Hefner for an invite to the playboy mansion, you got the hook up yourself.  Have fun, and have a merry christmas.  Thanks for your help they reply as I catch them staring at my ladylumps and my badinkadinkdink as I walk my way back to the info desk. 

As I get to the desk I start to fantasize that Santa has just had his sleigh

 transformed by Mad Mike and Xzibit on the MTV show “Pimp My Ride”.  His reindeer are “chillin like villians” and his christmas bunny pimpettes have hooked him up with

some Crystal in a pimp cup given to him as a gift by the rapper “Lil Jon”.   He has just piled on gold gansta bling over his red and white santa suit and is now partying with P Diddy at a Sean John fashion show after party at Cipriani’s in New York City.  His cell phone goes off and the name “Mrs Claus” comes up on his I-Phone screen,

“Aawwww Damn!!!” he blurts out as the snow bunnies surround him in the VIP lounge “It’s my ole lady”...”   

"From Garbo To GTL & Grenades"

Just had a conversation with my Mom (born in 1930, a feisty, cultured, beautiful, former professional actress, and intellectual eighty year old) about college students.  She seems to think all they do  when they get into trouble is drink and make out or have sex.  I said no the girls lie down on top of bars and have guys do shots off their navels, the girls kiss other girls to show off to the guys, they have sex on the beach, pee on the side of public buildings, get into bar, nightclub, and street fights, resist arrest, get their wallets stolen while watching women flash their breasts on balconies wearing mardi gras beads, smoke pot, do drugs and overdose, pass out from alcohol poisoning, have tailgate parties, hazing rituals that are illegal, have cops arrest them for underage drinking, public intoxication, back talking police officers, jay walking while drunk, slipping roofies into girls drinks resulting in date rape, noise disturbances from partying, trespassing.

Have threesomes of all variations, hookup with random people without even knowing their names, have sex with MILF’s & Cougars, develop STDs, have abortions, wind up in rehab and walk out, get addicted to internet porn, frequent strip clubs, drive while drunk or high, speed and have car races while drunk or high, cheat on their girlfriends/boyfriends by signing up on internet dating sites, clubbing, bar hopping, going to other campus’ kegger’s, Facebook, Twitter, instant messaging, video chatting, e-mailing, texting, hire strippers and call girls for frat parties, have sex in bar/club bathrooms with random people using no protection, and challenge each other as to who can do the craziest most immoral acts on the planet to get into or stay in a fraternity or sorority.

I say Mom, you need to watch MTV’s “Jersey Shore” and G4’s “Campus PD” with me. Then you’ll understand what I’m talking about. I dared myself to read Tucker Max’s book “I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell” whereupon this generations women totally validated Dave Chappelle’s statement in his Washington DC “Killin’ Them Softly” stand up routine that “Chivalry Is Dead And Women Killed It. “Its quite scary and sad that theres no morals and values anymore,” I told my mom.

 (Although I must admit Jersey Shore is my guilty pleasure, Pauly D is a hunk, and yes I will be tuning in for Season 3 on Thursday, January 6th 2011!) Cant wait to see the “grenade horn” that “Mike, The Situation” blows on top of the roof having Pauly D laughing till his six pack hurts.  But if I had younger kids would I let them watch the show? No, I would not.

My Mom asked me what would you do if your kids were college age and did something you just told me about.  I said “Tough Hard As Nails Love.” What do you mean?”, she asked.  No more college tuition, no more paying off campus rent, closed bank account and credit cards (if my name is involved) changed locks on the front doors at home, telling local police my son or daughter is not allowed in the house again till they’ve straightened up.  My tough love part two would be for them to do some of the following:  Become an EMT, (Emergency Medical Technician), college campus counselor, volunteer at a local hospital emergency room, participate in safe rides, and/or visit prisons to hear the inmates stories to prevent them from winding up in jail.

“And this is what parents pay for when they pay for college?  Twenty something hedonism, and debauchery?”  (I told you my Mom’s a crossword puzzle verbiage whiz.) “Yes Mom,” I replied, “But if you raise them with good morals and values that’s the best ammunition they can bring with them to protect themselves and stay on track.”  “When you have college age kids I’ll pray for you,” she replied.  “Thanks”, I responded.  “I’m sure as hell going to need it.”

"College At Forty & The Wall Street Crash of 2008"

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"Help Mariah Help!!!"

For the past two weeks I’ve worked 28 hours a week.  Today I clock in and look at next week’s schedule.  My jaw drops!  I’m only scheduled for 8 hours. I panic.  Immediately, I think I’ve done something wrong, and frantically try to find one of my managers.  I find the head manager, Sally, and ask what happened.  She says we went over by 145 hours last week and that her district manager told her she must cut back.  She tells me it has nothing to do with me personally and that other workers hours were cut as well.  She says, “But don’t worry, I’ll call you this week for more hours.”  I smile and say, “So, I guess I’ll be “On Call”…….. I start dreaming I’m Mariah Carey wearing Gucci heels singing my way out of my predicament.  But, instead, a stack of books falls off the register counter, which I have to bend over and pick up.  I heave the stack of books back onto the counter and thank God I’m on unemployment.  Damn….this recession is a bitch!

           

"Rainbow Request"

A man has approached me at the info desk requesting 2010 lesbian erotica books.  My eyebrows do a jerk reaction of raising themselves over the top of my eyeglasses.  (Go down eyebrows! Down!)  He gives me the authors’ names and book titles, which I look up on the computer and find listed under the “gender studies” section.  The section is quite small, but we find his “rainbow request” to my delight and new-found curiosity.  I instantly remember a woman’s request 2 days prior for the DVD collection of the HBO series, “The L Word”, starring one of my favorite actresses, Jennifer Beal, from the 80’s hit movie “Flashdance”.  I start to wonder, while helping this gentleman, if lesbians love Louboutin shoes as much as I do.  Maybe Ellen DeGeneres will give some as prizes on the game show portion of her talk show. Must book tickets to her show.  Maybe I can even recommend a book for her.

"From Couture To Kohls"

I love my new job as a bookseller, as I worked with all women for 6 years.  Now I work with men and women off all ages, tenures, and backgrounds.  There is a man in his 50’s-60s that writes Young Adult novels, a girl in her early 20’s that insures horses, and a college student who wants to be an english teacher in Italy.  Some have been there 11 years since the store opened, while others are brand new college students hired only as seasonal help.  Everyone wears jeans, sneakers, and casual tops.  No one could care less if you are wearing Joe’s Jeans, Seven For All Mankind, True Religion from high end stores, or So and Levis from Kohls.  A co-worker from the cafe got his blue work shirt from Kohls for $5 I got my jeans there for $25.  The job is based on your knowledge of current and past literature, current media trends which would include the Kindle competitors the Kobo and Sony e-readers. As for cafe lingo and trained taste buds, it’s Mint Caramel Mocha Latte’s and pudding bread.  As the clock ticks, my days of working in luxury retail are drifting out to sea.  It’s official, I’ve finally gone from Prada to James Patterson.  

"Terrible Tinkerbells"

Little girl and her mom come into the store, I'm helping her mom by looking up a book for her at the info desk.  I compliment her little girl on her pretty bracelets.  She doesn't answer me, ignores the compliment and instead inquires "Is this where all the money and the credit cards go?"  She's 5 years old.  My eyebrows convey my shock in her question whereupon I reply, "No ....this is the computer I use to find books you might like Cinderella, Olivia, Fancy Nancy, or Dora The Explorer."

"Daddies & Dogs"

Still looking for my soulmate in suburban "daddyland", and having a hard time finding him.  I check every mans hand that walks in the store for wedding rings.  Saw a large rescue dog that came in with its female owner, as a young married couple spoke with her about the dog.  The married woman says to me, " I wish I had a car the color of that dog."  I feel like Im back in the luxury goods store, and get a big grin on my face as I walk away from her.  YES, I'm out of materialism hell, thank god "Sakbarnmberg" laid me off!!

"Welcome To The Department Of Labor"

Just hired at "Hemingway's" bookstore, been unemployed for three months. Take home Department of Labor weekly benefit rate $245.00 gross, $214.00 net.  Out of pocket COBRA medical/dental $496.14 per month.  If I work 1-4 days I must report it and then only get the difference.  Trying to see if I qualify for Medicare as I'm obviously flat broke.  Worked in luxury retail for six years. Christian Louboutin, Manolo Blahnik, Prada, Gucci, Chanel, furs, precious jewelry, La Mer face cream were the words on my tongue.  Now they are John Grisham, Danielle Steel, James Patterson, Jane Austen, Stephen King, Hemingway, Mark Twain, Scrubs season 9, Papyrus cards, Harry Potter, Twilight calendars, Diary of A Wimpy Kid, and the Kate Middleton/Prince William engagement announcement on the cover of OK magazine.

"Shop Till Your Credit Score Drops"

Allow me to introduce myself, my name is Bessie Boo.  I'm single, in my mid 30's, never been married, no kids, living in an affluent NYC suburb.  I am no longer working in luxury retail, at a store called "Sakbarnmberg", where all that matters is how much money you have, what you physically look like, if everything you are wearing is a top designer label and I mean "EVERYTHING" you have on your body.  The top of the line, most expensive, makeup, hair care products, skin and body care products in the world.  Lets not forget fur coats, fur shawls, fur vests, fur hats, fur blankets, mink lined gloves, fur boots, and fur handbags. Lets also not forget dogs wearing Gucci, and Louis Vuitton doggie coats.  Yes, I have seen a dog wearing one, and he looked at me like, "Who the FU@#$%^, do you think you are?" I was literally brain washed into compulsive rich woman OCD scrutiny.  Everyday I would notice every nook and cranny about a woman going up and down the escalator, elevator, browsing, dining in restaurants or just walking in the mall.


I would first look for fat, cellulite, age spots, wrinkled and/or saggy skin, sun damaged skin, if they were losing their hair, if they were going grey, saggy bags under their eyes, varicose veins, scars, chipped nails on fingers or toes, deformed feet from wearing high heels, bad hair dye jobs, bad teeth that were crooked and/or needed whitening, how they walked, if the clothes they wore looked cheap or tacky, if they dressed too provocatively or slutty, did they have tattoos or body piercings, or were they too skinny or had an eating disorder, were their breasts real or implants, how good were the implants?, too big, too little, did they make the woman look like a freak? Did they have lip injections, were their shoes polished, hair brushed nicely, nails done, or hands and toes, or just the hands? How good was the manicure, did their hands look too dry? Were they wearing toe rings or ankle bracelets?  Did they wear too much makeup?  Was their hair too long or too short, was it the right color?  Was their handbag a true designer label or a china town knock off?  Was their makeup smudged and needed re-applying?


I got to the point where I said there has to be more to life than how much money and material things you have.  More to life than what you physically look like, and if everything you own is a top designer label or not.