"Chillin' Wid Pimp Daddy Ole Sain' Nick - HOLLA!!!!"

Well its Christmas Eve and the bookstore is booming. College kids are home doing last minute shopping, the phones are ringing off the hook, theres a huge line at both the upstairs and downstairs registers, and the charity for the ASPCA’s dogs is in christmas attire with reindeer alters on that jingle, wishing he could bite his owner in the ass and get the hell out of there. The requests and types of customers are vast and endless.  A man in cowboy boots is asking for a “biography” on “The Hells Angels” which wound up being in the “true crime” section.  A college age guy is wearing a black and white t-shirt with a slogan on the back saying:  “Whats the best pick-up line ever? Text 542542 now!”  A middle aged woman behind him is furious that we didn’t have the “Animal House” and “Fast Times At Ridgemont High” DVD’s in stock. Two adults in goth attire are in the metaphysical, tarot card section. When in walk two white college age guys asking me for “The Wu Tang Clan” auto biography.  So I find

the book in Pop/Rock books,  and I ask the guys if Wu Tang Clan are like hip hop/rappers and the guys  say “Hells Yea!!! fa’shizzle ”  I said I think I’ve heard one of their songs but I

cant remember which one, what do they sound like?  So he starts to sing one called “Duck Season” and the lyrics went like this:

“What up, he made a move, try to assist it

Listen kid yo, you was born to be a pawn but I'm a bishop

Back to the novel, you Son, it's logical

How you figure God, what, flow on the track, flip the obstacle

Now my proposal, it's the global

From California to courts, it's over God, so taste the tofu

Remember baggy jeans, the Timberlands in November

Shorty called me Santa in December

But guess what, my Wally's got messed up....”

So I try to act all fly for a white girl with some flavor and I say “Yo homes that was dope, totally pimposterous, poppin’ fresh, damn your toy soldier’s got mojo!”, I said to the non-rapping white guy. “DOUBLE.......SWEET!!!!!!!!!  We all laugh hysterically, and I ask them where they go to school whereupon they told me the University of Vermont.  I said “ohhh.. must be a lot of snow bunnies up there”. “Hells yeah thats why we wanted to go there.”  “You don’t even have to ask Hugh Hefner for an invite to the playboy mansion, you got the hook up yourself.  Have fun, and have a merry christmas.  Thanks for your help they reply as I catch them staring at my ladylumps and my badinkadinkdink as I walk my way back to the info desk. 

As I get to the desk I start to fantasize that Santa has just had his sleigh

 transformed by Mad Mike and Xzibit on the MTV show “Pimp My Ride”.  His reindeer are “chillin like villians” and his christmas bunny pimpettes have hooked him up with

some Crystal in a pimp cup given to him as a gift by the rapper “Lil Jon”.   He has just piled on gold gansta bling over his red and white santa suit and is now partying with P Diddy at a Sean John fashion show after party at Cipriani’s in New York City.  His cell phone goes off and the name “Mrs Claus” comes up on his I-Phone screen,

“Aawwww Damn!!!” he blurts out as the snow bunnies surround him in the VIP lounge “It’s my ole lady”...”